Captain Fantastic (2016)

WRITTEN AND DIRECTED BY: Matt Ross

First of all, let's talk about Matt Ross. I remember the first time I wondered to myself "who is this guy?" and it was when he was Alby on Big Love. Alby is one of those guys that I hate so much but also feel so sorry for and this contradiction is a thing that gets me in to a lot of trouble with acquaintances and such in real life. I want to like these people because I believe they could be good, but really, they just aren't worth spending any time on. Well, what a coincidence that Alby is responsible for Captain Fantastic.

I expected to love this, and I wanted to love it and wanted to believe it was better than it is but it is a piece of shit. I had no intention of writing anything about this movie on this blog when I started watching. But here we are. It is still sort of a must-see for me on account of Viggo's Oscar nomination, but were it not for that fact this is absolutely unrequired viewing. 

The movie opens with a beautiful shot of a lush forest and here I will say the cinematography was nice throughout (except when Alby presumably forced the DP to shoot from odd angles for effect). An almost naked person in full Tarzan mode and covered with camo body paint hides in the woods and slits a deer's neck open with a big knife. (Animals are not faring well in my entries on this blog.) This kid is Bo, the oldest son of Ben aka Captain Fantastic who I will call "Viggo." (At one point in time, say 1996 through 2005, Viggo was in the top three of people in the whole world I wanted to marry but that is no longer the case.) Viggo goes all wilderness cliche and tells Bo that he is no longer a boy but is now the revenant *a man*. Viggo cuts open the dead animal and marks Bo's face with blood and you guessed it feeds Bo the deer's raw bloody heart. 

Other children appear to watch this ceremony.  There are (I am counting in my head right now).....6 children. 2 boys, 2 girls, and 2 indistinguishable (by the end I figured out it was 1 more boy and 1 more girl). Now's a good as time as any to tell you their names but first let me look them up on IMDB.

• Bodevan "Bo" - once a boy, now a man
• Kielyr - girl
• Vespyr - girl
• Rellian - boy
• Zaja - girl
• Nai - boy

I mean, do I even need to continue this?  If so, keep reading after the jump

These children are living with Viggo in the forest and learning survivor skills and reading books and playing musical instruments and there are one or more montages to show you all the amazing things these kids can do out here. Basically Viggo is a *fantastic* home schooler. Only the home is some combination of forest and big old bus and yurts maybe. If this movie ended right now, after this first establishing scene, you would know everything you need to know about these people. Nothing really changes (except Viggo shaves his beard later). If this movie ended right now you would know just how good a teacher he is and how smart his kids are and how much they learn from him in this extraordinary learning environment but also what a potential drawback this whole thing could be for any of the kids if they venture out into the real world. But guess what!? We are going to get to see them venture out into the real world and we are going to watch this movie tell us about 20 more times just how good a teacher he is and how smart his kids are and how much they learn from him in this extraordinary learning environment. 

There will also be other important messages about public education and capitalism and sustainability and power. Look, I can get on board with almost all of Alby's and Viggo's positions and in many cases think they are right on point. That does not mean this a good movie. 

Anyway, back to the story, which you need to understand consists only of scenes and events conceived one by one to make a movie. There is almost no organic character or plot development. We need something to get Viggo and the kids out of this forest. How about something tragic? Yes, great, let's have his wife (and mother of the children) die (commit suicide). OK now we need a villain. Let's have the father-in-law tell Viggo "No you cannot come to the funeral and if you do I will have you arrested."  We need a goal for the protagonists to carry us to the end of the movie. (I admit I missed this being the major plot point at the time they set it up but) OK let's have the wife/mom leave a will declaring that she wants to be cremated. We need some quirky interactions and maybe some comedy and also more people to preach to. OK let's have (1) Viggo stop over and stay with his super-normal sister and her family of husband and two teenage boys and (2) let's have them spend one night in a campground where Bo can meet a girl and make out with her but show us all how socially awkward he is as a result of his upbringing and (3) let's have Viggo fake a heart attack in the grocery store so his kids can steal a bunch of groceries and we can shoot it to be zany(!). 

I am exhausted thinking about this any more. The rest of the movie consists of a lot of bad decisions that, again, just help this fabricated story get where it's going.  Here is a list of some bad decisions:

• Viggo interrupts the funeral and acts like a pretentious asshole knowing full well that the in-laws could try to take his kids from him
• Viggo fights with one son who wants to stay with the in-laws
• Viggo sends a daughter to scale the in-law's mansion to kidnap the son who wants to stay with the in-laws (she ends up in the hospital but the doctor says to Viggo "you are very lucky, sir" when she is going to be OK and the camera zooms in on Viggo's face and he and we all appreciate the gifts he has in his children which leads to 
• Viggo agrees to go ahead and just give all the kids up and leave them there with the in-laws even though the whole movie was him defiantly not letting these kids go, but
• The kids all hide out under the floor of the bus and leave with Viggo unbeknownst to Viggo (and all 6 of them don't emerge from under the bus until after they have driven away and Viggo has been able to stare at the back of the empty bus and weep and then stop at a convenience store and shave his bushy beard and drive to a campground and start a fire and make some coffee and then sit down under the stars and look real handsome and contemplative drinking his coffee by the campfire all freshly shaved and THEN the kids all decide to come out from under the floor of the bus because that was really when it was most convenient for Alby to get the shot he wanted. And then
• The kids remind Viggo that their mom wanted to be cremated and so she must be so they go dig . up . her . body. from the cemetery and as the kids say today, I literally can't even.

What is amazing is that none of the bad decisions matter because each scene happens as if nothing that came before it happened. Viggo's sister and the father-in-law in particular are remarkably inconsistent characters (more on this disgrace below).

At some point Bo gets on a plane and I don't remember where he was going because I don't care but I'm pretty sure it was not to college even though he has been accepted to a bunch of Ivy League schools ("all the best schools" as Viggo says). Speaking of inconsistencies, Bo tells Viggo that his mom helped him apply for these schools even though as far as we know his mom has been totally incapacitated for the 10 months prior to her death, but who cares about that because the idea of the mom assisting Bo with college unknown to Viggo really helps set up the tension between Bo and Viggo in that one scene. This movie is full of this shit.

Viggo and his kids end up back together and we see in a montage that they are really living a lovely tranquil life still abiding by all Viggo's principles (e.g., you see a daughter get an egg from a chicken in a barn) with one exception: Viggo says "Eat your breakfast the school bus will be here in 15 minutes." So now they go to school!! Viggo smiles at this family of children that will be hated by most everyone they meet for the rest of their lives. THE END

The final insult in all of this is that this movie did absolutely nothing with these four actors:

• Frank Langella - father-in-law
• Kathryn Hahn - sister
• Ann Dowd - mother-in-law
• Steve Zahn -  brother-in-law

Totally wasted. If these folks are in your movie but are so underutilized that there is nothing remarkable to say about their performances, then Alby you have really made a bad movie.

I give it one star out of five.

REQUIRED VIEWING: The Road