24: Legacy (3:00 - 6:00pm)

Before we get started (thanks to the “previously on”) I just realized I forgot two crucial events that happened earlier. The first is that while Shifty Eyes was blamed for the leak (that led to the Rangers getting killed) it actually turns out that Rick Simon was behind the whole thing (Headface’s dad). We don’t know why yet but it probably has something to do with helping his son reach the oval office.

The second thing (and now I know why I forgot all about it – it’s RI-DI-CU-LOUS) is that while Dre is, you know, trying to prevent a major terrorist attack, his wife calls him and says something along the lines of “I think there’s something hinky going on here.” Dre does not respond how I expected him to  -- Instead of hanging up on her and rolling his eyes -- he takes her seriously, has CTU hack into the phone records and then takes the time to text his wife a recorded phone call between Foxy Cleopatra and the drug dealer that Stringer Bell went to meet. Stupid, right? But anyway…

Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep. Bee. Bee. Bee. Bee. Be. Be. Be. Be. B. B. B. B…..

Going My Way (1944)

Directed by: Leo McCarey
Written by: Frank Butler and Frank Cavett (story by Leo McCarey)

Man, is this movie a bore.

As you know, I technically consider any Oscar winner "required viewing" (although nothing had moved me to watch this before, so I am a little full of it). This movie was somehow nominated for 10 Academy Awards and won 7, including Best Picture, Best Director, Best Actor, and Best Supporting Actor, and 2 writing awards--one for Best Screenplay and one for Best Story.

Do not be fooled by this; it is inexplicable. It seems there is a consensus that The Greatest Show on Earth is the worst Best Picture winner of all time. Well that is probably true; it is a ridiculous and decidedly *not good* piece of shit. But at least it is entertaining. Going My Way is so saccharine, so lethargic--there is no way to enjoy it (unless you somehow believe Bing Crosby singing in a clerical collar is on par with Jimmy Stewart dressed up as Buttons the Clown).

<spoilerish> At the very end--like, last minute--they pulled a dirty old trick and made me shed an actual tear even though I had been completely disengaged for its over 2-hour (!) run time. Because of that tear, I am not only bored by this movie, I am now mad at it, too.

The "plot" of this film is perfectly suited for List Anything. There is nothing to it but a list of things that happen, most of which result in someone singing for no reason.

Synopsis and spoilers after the jump.

24: Legacy (12:00-3:00)

When 24 first aired back in 2001 it was unlike anything I had ever seen. Sure, there had been some movies done in “real time” (Nick of Time anyone?) and the entire concept was gimmicky (to say the least), but the writing and action were incredibly well done. 

Also, Kiefer Sutherland. 

And, like many cool things, they took out their clubs, went out to the stables and beat the dead horses for, like, eight more seasons. But it still had Kiefer so I kept watching.

Then it ended and I think I speak for everyone when I say, thank God.

A few years later, someone who obviously did not see The Bourne Legacy thought it would be a good idea to reboot the series. Without Kiefer. 

Bad Idea.

Here’s what we know before it even begins. Corey Hawkins (a.k.a. Dr. Dre) plays Eric Carter, an ex Ranger who is going to try to save the world from terrorists and along the way figure out how many bad guys are disguised as good guys. 

And don’t forget…events occur in real time.

Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep. Bee. Bee. Bee. Bee. Be. Be. Be. Be. B.B.B.B.B.B.B….

(explosion sound)

Beware the Slenderman (2016)

DIRECTED BY: Irene Taylor Brodsky

An argument could be made that Beware the Slenderman is an important documentary and absolutely falls under the category of required viewing, especially for parents. I agree with the first part.

For starters, the content is disturbing, and I’m not even talking about the actual crime. The disturbing scenes are the interrogations of the girls and some revelations that I will get into soon. There’s a sadness to this film that hits you in waves.

Any true crime fanatics out there have surely already watched this (I had it marked on my calendar). And while this is a pretty fascinating true crime documentary, it’s also a pretty big comment on today’s society in general. Now, for those normal people out there, you might still be tempted to watch based on the fact that it’s HBO or maybe you saw the trailer and thought it had an interesting premise: in 2014, two 12-year-old girls brought another girl out to the middle of the woods and stabbed her 19 times because a fictional boogeyman called The Slenderman wanted them to. More or less. But as the documentary unfolds we quickly realize that Slenderman actually plays a very minor role in this terrible incident (the victim survived by the way, which helps a little…but not much).

Before I get deeper into the story, one thing I noticed right off the bat is these two girls (Anissa and Morgan) are two loners who found each other and had common interests (mainly surfing the internet and believing in fictional monsters). This is something we’ve seen in countless movies and television shows: a story where kids see something or believe in something that adults just don’t, or won’t, understand -- look at E.T., Super 8, or even more recently, Stranger Things. The difference is, in the fictional world, the kids are always right and end up doing something really brave that saves lives. In the real world, however, people get hurt.

Profile: The Films of Fred Olen Ray

This did NOT start out as a profile of a Director’s entire career. Originally, I started watching a “film” called Sniper: Special Ops. I knew from the title it was unrequired viewing and since I haven’t watched a Steven Seagal movie since Hard to Kill, I figured it was time. Here is an excerpt from that unfinished review…

[In case you are wondering, yes…this IS part of the famous Sniper film series that began with Tom Berenger in 1993. Oh, you weren’t wondering that? You should be. You have been missing out on such films as Sniper: Reloaded, Sniper: Legacy, Sniper: Ghost Shot, and Sniper: Scope and Kill. One of those I just made up.]

After barely making it through the first ten minutes I got distracted by the director’s IMDB page. This man, Fred Olen Ray, has 148 directing credits to his name, I shit you not. Then I started noticing a pattern in his film choices and decided this man deserves to be recognized. Even if he is being recognized for unrequired viewing.

Captain Fantastic (2016)

WRITTEN AND DIRECTED BY: Matt Ross

First of all, let's talk about Matt Ross. I remember the first time I wondered to myself "who is this guy?" and it was when he was Alby on Big Love. Alby is one of those guys that I hate so much but also feel so sorry for and this contradiction is a thing that gets me in to a lot of trouble with acquaintances and such in real life. I want to like these people because I believe they could be good, but really, they just aren't worth spending any time on. Well, what a coincidence that Alby is responsible for Captain Fantastic.

I expected to love this, and I wanted to love it and wanted to believe it was better than it is but it is a piece of shit. I had no intention of writing anything about this movie on this blog when I started watching. But here we are. It is still sort of a must-see for me on account of Viggo's Oscar nomination, but were it not for that fact this is absolutely unrequired viewing. 

The movie opens with a beautiful shot of a lush forest and here I will say the cinematography was nice throughout (except when Alby presumably forced the DP to shoot from odd angles for effect). An almost naked person in full Tarzan mode and covered with camo body paint hides in the woods and slits a deer's neck open with a big knife. (Animals are not faring well in my entries on this blog.) This kid is Bo, the oldest son of Ben aka Captain Fantastic who I will call "Viggo." (At one point in time, say 1996 through 2005, Viggo was in the top three of people in the whole world I wanted to marry but that is no longer the case.) Viggo goes all wilderness cliche and tells Bo that he is no longer a boy but is now the revenant *a man*. Viggo cuts open the dead animal and marks Bo's face with blood and you guessed it feeds Bo the deer's raw bloody heart. 

Other children appear to watch this ceremony.  There are (I am counting in my head right now).....6 children. 2 boys, 2 girls, and 2 indistinguishable (by the end I figured out it was 1 more boy and 1 more girl). Now's a good as time as any to tell you their names but first let me look them up on IMDB.

• Bodevan "Bo" - once a boy, now a man
• Kielyr - girl
• Vespyr - girl
• Rellian - boy
• Zaja - girl
• Nai - boy

I mean, do I even need to continue this?  If so, keep reading after the jump

Frequency (2017) *series

(Season 1/ Series?)

On paper, Frequency is a terrrrrible idea. First of all, here is a list of people who remember the movie:

Me.
My mom (because I owned it on DVD).
That’s it.

Before we get into the TV show let’s talk about the movie so we’re all on the same page. The basic premise is a cop (Caviezel) lives in the same house that he grew up in and there’s a ham radio in the garage. Well one day, because of the Aurora Borealis (this is kinda important) the radio turns on and Caviezel hears a voice. Even though he doesn’t know anything about a ham radio he responds in kind and starts a conversation with the stranger. Well, as it turns out, the stranger is none other than Caviezel’s dead dad (Quaid). So C and Q (which is also the call sign a ham radio operator uses to see if anyone is listening…coincidence?) start conversing and eventually realize that they are crossing the time barrier. Q is a fireman who, in his timeline, is about to go into a burning building and die. So C decides to tell Q about this so he can change the past and low and behold Q takes a different approach and ends up living through the ordeal. C and Q are super excited about this new change of events and C even has new memories of all the years he got to spend with Q. But…and there is a but…now his mom is dead because she was killed by a serial killer known as the Nightingale killer. I mentioned that right? That there is a serial killer who hunts down nurses in the 70’s? So now Q and C have to figure out how to catch him before he kills the mom and bla bla bla it all turns out alright. But then someone decided it would be a good idea to take this INSANE premise and turn it into a television series. Well, I watched the entire first season and I have to tell you, it was entirely watchable with a few notable issues and changes.

High-Rise (2016)

Directed by: Ben Wheatley
Written by: Amy Jump (based on the novel by J.G. Ballard)

I really want to read this book.  I bet that almost everything I might have loved about this movie is presented, if not coherently, at least fully; if so, it corrects the thing I didn't love about this movie--namely that it is a mess. There are too many characters, narratives, isolated incidents, all thrown in seemingly for effect without fleshing any of it out. The *idea* is fully formed--too much so, actually, with a nice sledgehammer coda in case you missed the point--but none of the specifics are.

 I did love the look of it all. It's gorgeous and ghastly and engrossing from the opening shot. The cinematography, art direction, costume design, make up, and the performances are all top notch. You know that I hate a yeller and tend to prize those understated performances (here I'm talking Tom Hiddleston and Elisabeth Moss, even Jeremy Irons chewing some scenery here and there), but I'd give the MVP to Luke Evans giving the least subtle performance (and yelling a lot). I'd nominate him for something.

I was reminded of a lot of things while watching this (Trump, Caligula, LOST) but mostly I was reminded of Snowpiercer. I imagine Snowpiercer could have been inspired by this book (I did not check). But here's the difference. In Snowpiercer everybody's moving forward, purposefully, along with the movie itself. In High-Rise the traffic flows mostly upward, only sometimes things just get stuck in the elevator while other things go over the top and crash to the ground.

Edited after the jump to tell you what happened, sort of (from memory only and after some drinking).
Please watch it yourself to catch actual things that happen and sequence of events.

Uncle John (2015)

Directed by: Steven Piet Written by: Erik Crary, Steven Piet

I will say this: Uncle John is a unique film. Part mystery, part thriller, part romantic comedy? Yeah, that’s right.

[Mystery/Thriller] We begin on some back roads in rural Illinois while a creepy preacher reads from the bible (voice-over) presumably foreshadowing what’s to come. And it comes right away…
Uncle John follows a stumbling man down a small dock until the man falls face first in the lake and dies. Uncle John stands over him holding an oar (the murder weapon?) and quickly fixes the scene to look as if the man disappeared. We have no idea who these characters are or what their relationship is to each other but we do get to know John rather quickly. John Ashton gives a great performance as a man who can play it cool with the best of them and frankly, it was refreshing. I can’t stand it when someone “tries” to play it cool but so obviously gives away their guilt and yet nobody else in the movie can see it. Well, in this movie, nobody can see it and neither can we. He sets the stage, burns the body along with any evidence of foul play, and shows up to his local diner for his usual gossip circle with other men his age.

[RomCom] Meanwhile, in Chicago, John’s nephew, Ben (played by Alex Moffat…yes, THAT Alex Moffat of SNL) is an animator who works for an advertising firm (I think) and has a co-worker/best friend that smokes pot. When a new employee, Kate, joins the firm (Jenna Lyng), Ben immediately falls for her and the two start to spend quality time together. While Ben and Kate are obviously attracted to each other they try their best to keep their distance since they’re co-workers and their boss is a huge dickhead who seems to be looking for reasons to fire Ben.