Before we get started (thanks to the “previously on”) I just
realized I forgot two crucial events that happened earlier. The first is that
while Shifty Eyes was blamed for the leak (that led to the Rangers getting
killed) it actually turns out that Rick Simon was behind the whole thing (Headface’s
dad). We don’t know why yet but it probably has something to do with helping
his son reach the oval office.
The second thing (and now I know why I forgot all about it –
it’s RI-DI-CU-LOUS) is that while Dre is, you know, trying to prevent a major
terrorist attack, his wife calls him and says something along the lines of “I
think there’s something hinky going on here.” Dre does not respond how I
expected him to -- Instead of hanging up
on her and rolling his eyes -- he takes her seriously, has CTU hack into the
phone records and then takes the time to text his wife a recorded phone call
between Foxy Cleopatra and the drug dealer that Stringer Bell went to meet.
Stupid, right? But anyway…
Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep. Bee. Bee. Bee. Bee. Be. Be. Be. Be.
B. B. B. B…..
We open with Headface interrogating Shifty Eyes.
“I told you, I had nothing to do with that leak!” She says,
exasperated.
“But I saw the ATM footage. It shows you at the office when
you said you were out jogging.” (Rick Simon had his brother (in-law?) hack into
the bank footage and IMPLANT an image of Shifty Eyes so everyone would suspect
her of the leak).
“Just go.” *starts to cry.
“I’m not going anywhere….” Bla bla bla
Meanwhile Motto is watching all of this on a surveillance
camera when she gets a phone call letting her know that the “terrorist got away
with the flash drive”. Her response? Yep. You guessed it. “Dear God.” Then
Mullins (who is in the field for some reason) tells her that Dre recognized
Khalid Jr and Motto replies that Khalid Jr. had a falling out with DJ Khalid
so…that’s weird.
Headface is sorta kinda convinced that Shifty Eyes is
innocent but Motto just thinks he’s naïve. And then Headface confronts Rick
Simon who explains that sometimes people are bad. But hey, I have some
suggestions for her replacement.
Meanwhile back at clusterfuck city, turns out that Homeless
Grimes is still alive and being wheeled into an ambulance (sorry, I thought he
was dead). Dre yells at him and Homeless Grimes suddenly becomes coherent and
tells Dre that they can fix this.
Um…no you can’t. But I’m guessing at some point Homeless
Grimes is going to do something heroic. Don’t hold me to that.
Back at the CRACK DEN, Dre’s wife got her phone taken away
because Foxy Cleopatra thinks she might be up to no good (did I mention she is
left alone with Foxy Cleopatra and another BAD DUDE who are both turning on
Stringer?) Which leads us to the drug
deal that literally nobody cares about. Some bad dude is waiting for Stringer
to show up “with the merchandise” so he can off him.
But remember Dre’s wife is a badass. She decides that, even
though she hates Stringer and left him for his brother and realllllly did not
want to come here in the first place, it’s worth risking her life to try and
warn him. So she pulls a fast one, grabs her phone and runs for her life. Foxy
C and Bad Dude literally try to murder her in the middle of day by shooting
wildly but they miss and she gets away. She ends up, somehow, taking away both
of their weapons and making them get on the ground. She calls Stringer and
warns him JUST IN TIME.
Stringer tells the Dude-Who-Was-Going-To-Kill-Him that he
has snipers on the nearby roof and if anything goes south, they gonna light his
ass up. His words, not mine. So they all make the deal and go about their
separate ways.
As I’m watching this something just donned on me: this whole
time I’m wondering what the fuck does any of this have to do with the MUCH MORE
THREATENING (and frankly, more interesting) terrorist threat? The answer is
nothing. But then I remembered they shoot this thing in “real time” so they
HAVE to come up with throwaway subplots in order to let the main characters get
places.
Anyway, even though Dre’s wife has Foxy C and Bad Dude dead
to rights, they both get up and run away just as the cops pulls up and arrest
Mrs. Dre. Uh oh.
Aaaaand apparently that’s how long it takes for Dre to get
to CTU because now we’re back to the real story. Dre and Motto hug. Dre thanks
Computer Geek for saving his life and then goes to see Homeless Grimes. You
know, the guy who stole the list from DJ Khalid in the first place? The guy who
is responsible for the deaths of 4 Army Rangers AND their families? The guy who
wouldn’t give up the list without first getting 2 million dollars? That guy.
You’d think he’d be at Gitmo by now but instead…he’s getting patched up because
he has a boo boo on his shoulder. So he tells Dre that he recognized the guns
used by Khalid Jr. and that maybe they can track this gun smuggler down and
find out where Khalid Jr is hiding.
At the same time, Motto and Mullins are in a video
conference call that is uncomfortable to say the least. They tell the important
white men on the screen that there will be an attack any minute and there’s not
much anyone can do about it.
Back at TERRORIST CITY, Khalid Jr. has one of his hackers
plug in the device only to find out it’s corrupted. Khalid Jr. makes it very
clear that he would like to have that list so they can kill everyone so please
try your hardest to miraculously fix it. You know, computer stuff.
Finally we see Pasty being treated at the hospital. Nadia
calls her terrorist brother (or whatever he is) and asks him what she should
do. He tells her to grab a syringe and then…
“Nadia?” Fucking Pasty’s mom. Always ruining shit. Nadia
hangs up before she can get the rest of the instructions and pretends to be the
nice girlfriend. They hug.
Back at Headface HQ, one of his assistants shows Headface
video footage of Shifty Eyes at the demonstration or whatever that didn’t look
good for her a few hours ago but now he sees that she’s been telling the truth
this whole time.
At CTU Dre is trying to sell the idea of him and Homeless
Grimes selling top secret schematics to a gun dealer in order to obtain
information. Mullins is skeptical…rightly so. But Dre trusts Homeless Grimes
this time. He “looked him in the eyes. I think he wants to help.”
Oh yeah, there’s also some weird animosity between Mullins
(the current head of CTU) and Computer Geek (who I just realized is named Andy
so I will call him that from here on out). I hope this drama plays out further.
It’s honestly the most interesting plotline in this whole stupid show.
(For the record, I could NEVER write this show. So when I
say it’s stupid, I just mean in the world that they created it’s going to be
stupid AND the original was a million times better. That’s all.)
Stringer returns from his drug deal to find the cops still
in the parking lot with Mrs. Dre in the back seat. He tells them to let her go
and that he’ll “make it worth their effort.” So I guess now he owes these cops.
At General Hospital Nadia steals a syringe and sneaks into
Pasty’s room and calls her brother. He tells her to fill the syringe with air and
inject it into his arm. She seems to have a problem doing this. Which is weird
since she had no problem blowing her teacher and planning a mass murder (not to
mention going along with murdering Pasty just an hour earlier). But, in keeping with traditional 24 fashion,
just as she’s thinking about letting him live, Pasty wakes up, freaks out,
tries to suffocate her and she ends up pushing the syringe in, killing Pasty.
FINALLY.
By the way, GREAT hospital staff. His machinery goes ape shit
and then he DEADLINES and nobody comes. Nadia stays in the room for a few
seconds before finally grabbing her bag and leaving. Fuckin’ Obamacare.
And back at General Hospital 2 (which I only say because
this scene is straight out of a fucking soap opera), Headface confronts his dad
about the faked footage of Shifty Eyes. And he finally admits that yes, he did
it. But he did it to save the campaign. You see…(cue piano music) a few weeks
ago he was contacted by Khalid Jr. saying that he had proof that Rick Simon
bought oil from ISIS and if that news got out…oh boy. Which, I’m scratching my
head to find the logic there. So, Rick Simon thought, in order to save his
son’s campaign, he would leak classified information that got four rangers and
their families killed and also set into motion a massive terrorist threat on
U.S. soil? That’s a reasonable response.
So Headface is rightfully upset and tells his dad that he’s
going to tell Motto. But first he needs to know if his Uncle was in on it. Rick
Simon swears he had no idea. But then we see Tio (that’s uncle in Spanish) meet
with Rick Simon and clearly they were both in on it. But Headface is going to
tell Motto at CTU! He knows everything! But Tio tells Rick not to worry. It’s
his word against yours. Just keep your mouth shut and we’ll get through this.
Great plan.
Back at CTU, Andy hacks into some schematics and sends them to
Dre’s phone (oh yeah, I forgot to say that Mullins told Dre he wouldn’t sign
off on this crazy mission so, once again, Motto and Dre make a plan to go behind
everyone’s back.)
Dre beats everyone up, makes the computer servers crash, and
escapes with Homeless Grimes in search of Gun Smuggler. It’s really too bad they
can’t lock down the garage.
By the way…it’s 4:00 and Motto has to eat a shit sandwich by
telling Shifty Eyes that she’s free to go and, um, sorry about the intense
questioning and threatening. And then just as Motto apologizes and leaves the
room, Shifty Eyes does what she does best…she makes us think she’s actually
guilty of something.
And then we see Rick Simon being handcuffed and placed into
a vehicle while Headface watches. Ouch.
Back at CTU Mullins is upset (again) that Dre disobeyed a
direct order but Motto calms him down and explains that this is their only
move. They have to trust Homeless Grimes.
And at the terrorist’s lair, Khalid Jr. wants an update on
the corrupted drive and his hacker tells him they were able to uncover ONE of
the sleeper cells but probably won’t get the others. So 2nd in
command wants to go ahead with the one but Khalid Jr. says no. His dad’s plan
was to launch all 15 at the same time so that the show can have another ticking
clock.
Nadia, by the way, has been picked up by her brother and
they are on their way home. I feel the need to say that it’s a good thing the disc
drive has been corrupted because Teacher and Nadia are NOT ready! I assume
Teacher is back at school working on his chemistry set because Nadia and
Brother just came home to find…SURPRISE VISIT FROM DAD! It took me a minute to
realize that Dad isn’t in on the terrorist scheme and he’s just a dad home to
visit his kids and Brother is not happy about it.
Nicole (Dre’s wife, in case you forgot) is now knee deep in
Stringer’s wrath against his crew. He wants to know who all was in on it and
he’s gonna find out one way or another. So, Nicole calls Dre and asks him to
pick her up. He tells her that’s he KINDA BUSY but it will all be alright.
And Dre IS super busy. He’s been driving for a while now and
still doesn’t know whether to trust Homeless Grimes who, by the way, is shaving
off his beard in Dre’s truck. Ew.
Meanwhile, Nadia’s dad reveals why he really came home to
see his kids. You see, one of the brother’s good friends got arrested planting
a bomb (somewhere) and the dad knows they were close so now he suspects that he
and his sister are up to something sinister. This was actually one of the
better storylines of the show until they turned it into an episode of 24 and
the brother beats up the dad and has his sister help him to tie him up.
Finally Dre and Grimes show up at the meeting place where
they are, naturally, surrounded by men with guns who lead them to Gabriel (arms
dealer and the SECOND character in this episode to have a dead eye). But Dre
finds out that Homeless Grimes and Deadeye have a past together – Deadeye gave
Grimes 50 grand for a deal but Grimes lost the money. So, Deadeye gives Dre a
choice: kill Grimes and I will do business with you or you both die. He hands
Dre a gun but Dre can’t do it (by the way, I’m no longer calling him Homeless
Grimes because he shaved off his beard in Dre’s truck. Ew again.) Turns out, it
was all a test. Deadeye kills Grimes and tells Dre they might be in business
together as long as he passes a background test. Like he’s getting a job at
Best Buy.
Back at Stringer’s, Nicole confronts Stringer about his
erratic behavior and tells him he’s gonna lose his men’s trust if he keeps up
the crybaby act. Stringer pushes her to the ground in front his men. They do
not like that. So, Nicole packs her bags and is on her way out when Stringer
stops her and gives her a heartfelt apology. He asks her to stay because he
needs her. So, she does. What could go wrong?
And that’s how long it takes to get Rick Simon to CTU for
questioning. Mullins tells Andy that he is revoking all of his computer
privileges until he knows for sure that Andy didn’t help Dre smuggle out the
schematics. Again, Mullins REALLY has it out for Andy. If I were Andy I would
be like “is that because you hate gay people?” and then Mullins would be super uncomfortable
and give him back his privileges.
Anyway, the interrogation starts and, sure enough, Rick
Simon plays ‘my word against his’. “I don’t know why Headface would say this, I
would never do such a thing.” But then Headface barges in (I guess they don’t
lock the doors) and yells at his dad but Motto tells him to leave.
Meanwhile Deadeye tells Dre that he passed the background
check. Yay! But before he can give Dre what he wants he now needs to have the
schematics “verified”. After all,
there’s still ten minutes left until the next hour. But then Dre punches out
the ONE other bad guy in the room, steals his gun and now has Deadeye at
gunpoint. “You sold guns to Khalid Jr. and you know where he is. Tell me.” But
Deadeye pulls a Rick Simon, “I don’t know what you’re talking about”. So Dre
calls CTU and tells them to go ahead and send in the backup team. Mullins tells
him they’re about ten minutes out. Wow. That timed out perfectly.
And then my favorite scene thus far: Back at Nadia’s house,
the Dad is tied to a chair and has tape around his mouth and Nadia brings in a
bowl of soup. So, my first thought is: He’s only been there for, like, an hour
total, and they feel it’s worth removing the tape to feed him? But then when
she removes the tape her dad says, weakly “My blood sugar. I’m diabetic.” And
Nadia’s face goes white. She immediately serves him some soup and then, with a
sad look in her eye…”you’re…you’re diabetic? Why didn’t you tell us?” Hmmm. Maybe because I’m tied to a fucking
chair and my children are terrorists? He then tries to bring back some good
memories and tells her to let him go and call the police and she freaks out and
leaves the room.
And then my second favorite scene (I have a feeling these
are going to get better and better) is back at Terrorist City, the terrorist
hacker tells Khalid Jr that somebody sent out the activation code to the ONE
sleeper cell and he can’t stop it. Khalid Jr. looks TEN FEET TO HIS RIGHT where
2nd in Command pretends to be looking at the computer (I’m not kidding)
and asks him, “did you do this?” OF FUCKING COURSE HE DID, HE SAID HE WAS GOING
TO! 2nd in Command says “yeah, that’s right. Somebody had to do
something.” So Khalid puts a gun to his head and tells him, “you lack faith and
a man who lacks faith is dangerous.” BLAM!
See, I would argue that you just
disproved your point but that’s just me.
As it turns out, the sleeper cell that received the
activation code is Nadia and her brother.
The brother tells her to call the Teacher and have him bring the rest of
the materials. I really hope this is what it’s like in real life because that
means from the time of “activation” the cops will have a good five hours to
stop the attack. I mean, last time I checked the Teacher wasn’t even ready. Now
he has to “bring the materials” to their house which implies they need to build
something and then, I assume, go somewhere else to begin the attack…I guess I
just don’t understand sleeper cells.
I clearly also don’t understand gun dealers either because
(and now THIS is my favorite scene), all hell breaks loose at Deadeye’s boot
camp and just as CTU shows up to kill everyone, Dre yells to them “I’m in here!
I got Deadeye!” and then Deadeye pulls out a knife, looks at Dre and says “no
you don’t.” AND THEN SLITS HIS OWN THROAT! Lulz.
So then Dre tells the computer guy to check the laptop. He
thinks he’s “in” when the computer starts BEEPING and warns us that it’s doing
a DATA WIPE. Everyone freaks out but Dre thinks fast. He grabs the computer and
the fingerprint attachment (you know the one everyone has) and puts Deadeye’s
fingerprint into the system which STOPS the data wipe. Whew! That was close.
And also WTF?
For the record, Bauer would have shot Deadeye in the
shoulder, making him drop the blade and then would have tortured him for a few
minutes just for the hell of it. But I digress.
So, while the “tech” tries to find something on Deadeye’s
laptop, Dre decides he has some free time and calls to check in on Nicole. But
he is NOT happy to find out that she’s still at Stringer’s place so he tells
her that someone from CTU will swing by to pick her up. And Stringer IS NOT
happy about that but he knows he has to let her go since, you know, she’s not
his wife.
90 seconds since we last left the computer tech he stumbles
upon everything we needed to know. The terrorists were smuggled in through a
docking port and they all have aliases and are using the same address on their
passports so Mullins orders them to go find them. But here’s the rub…
Dre insists on being there when they bring down Khalid Jr
but Mullins won’t let him because he’s not a CTU agent. But I guess all it
takes is Mullins’ word and now Dre is “on the team”.
Back on Papa I’m a Terrorist, Papa is still trying to talk
his kids out of their terrorism but to no avail. He almost gets through to
Nadia but she doesn’t listen to him. Her brother is still in charge. For now.
Did I mention Andy before? Aka computer geek? Well, since he
got taken off the mission, that “new girl” is heading the charge. And also, the
super handsome and manly CTU agent who is secretly gay and used to date Andy
wants to know why Andy isn’t handling the computer stuff anymore. So, Zooey
says “maybe you should ask him yourself” and transfers the call. It goes
something like this:
Andy: This is Andy.
Buff Guy: What’s going on?
Andy: Mullins took me off the case when he found out I
smuggled out the schematics for Dre. Some people would say what I did took
courage.
Buff Guy: Courage?
Andy: Yeah, you know…something you could have used when it
mattered.
End of transmission. Zing!
So, remember when I said once they gave the sleeper cell the
green light it would take five hours to get ready? I was wrong. The teacher
shows up (I would say 20 minutes after the green light) with all the materials
they need and Brother already has, like, 12 huge barrels wired with explosives
almost ready to go. When Teacher shows up he immediately goes up to Nadia and
asks her if everything is alright because she’s quieter than normal. And she
says (and I quote) “this is harder than I thought it would be.”
Yes. Who would have thunk it?
Nadia goes on to tell Teacher that her father showed up and
Brother tied him up. “He is not well. He has diabetes.” I swear to God she said
that. I am also just now mad at myself for not calling teacher Walter Weak. I
think I will from now on.
Walter Weak tells Nadia that they can run away and be
together now but Brother still needs his help mixing the Mercury in
with…whatever makes an explosive.
Meanwhile, somehow the network news channel is doing an
exclusive story on something that happened thirty minutes ago and broadcasting
it everywhere so the terrorists see it and realize they have been compromised.
Khalid Jr. tells them to wipe the computers and clear out.
Dre and Buff Guy are 30 SECONDS OUT but when they get there,
the terrorists are gone and the computers are wiped.
I think sometimes they forget this is supposed to be in real
time.
Luckily for us, this can be a good thing. Walter Weak and
Brother have already loaded the barrels onto a truck and Brother and Nadia bicker
over directions. But Walter Weak picks up a gun and points it at Brother. He
tells him that he and Nadia have done everything he asked so if he wants to
drive the truck go ahead. Alone. Brother, for some reason, lunges towards
Walter and Walter SHOOTS him! (if you’re counting that’s 2 people he’s tried to
murder in the last three hours). But then Nadia picks up a screwdriver and
murders Walter. Farewell, Walter Weak. We hardly knew ye.
Meanwhile, on The Wire, CTU shows up to pick up Nicole and
Stringer walks her down. But just as she’s about to get inside a group of
Terrorists show up, kill the CTU men, grab Nicole AND Stringer, and take off.
The terrorists call Khalid Jr. and let him know that “we have her. And the
brother.”
Wow. That is some serious planning on Khalid Jr.’s part. And
totally believable.
In the meantime, Nadia tells her father that his son is dead
and that she’s going to go commit terrorism and tapes his mouth shut. This
would be devastatingly heartbreaking if it were any other show. So off she
goes. But Papa breaks free and discovers the MAPS and DIRECTIONS in the garage
so he calls Nadia to try and talk her out of it once more. It doesn’t work.
Then the following happens within 28 seconds:
Papa hangs up. Calls 911. The 911 dispatcher hears what he
has to say and forwards the TRANSCRIPT of the call to CTU where Zooey was able
to do background checks on Papa, Nadia and Brother and verify that it’s all
very possible that this threat is legitimate.
28 seconds.
But whatever.
Now CTU knows where Nadia is going with the truck full ‘o’
explosives – The George Washington Bridge.
They locate the truck by using…who cares. Really. They find
the truck and call NYPD but they’re 2 minutes out. So Mullins tells somebody to
get him somebody on the bridge. And, literally, one second later, the phone
rings inside the security booth at the bridge. A chubby Cop named Jenkins
answers the phone and Mullins tells him what’s going on. He orders him to close
down the bridge and get everyone off and if he gets the chance, take Nadia out.
So Jenkins runs out into traffic, sees the truck coming
towards him (Nadia is crying with her finger on the trigger) and Jenkins FIRES
into truck, forcing it to swerve.
Jenkins then yells at everyone to get off the bridge so
everyone runs away.
Mullins, once again, uses his black magic and calls
Jenkins’ cell phone. He asks him if Nadia is dead. Jenkins says “I THINK so.”
Then Mullins tells him to look for a trigger. Jenkins finds it in Nadia’s hand
but when he reaches for it NOT-DEAD-NADIA wakes up and presses the trigger. So
long, Jenkins. And, half the GW bridge.
Dre makes it back to CTU only to find out everything he’s
done up to his point has been for nothing and then receives a call from Khalid
Jr. “I have your wife and brother. You will help me fix this hard drive so I
can unleash hell on the united states or I will make them suffer.”
Jesus. I don’t know if I can watch anymore…
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