The Frozen Dead Season 1

There are bad tv shows (Legends of Tomorrow), there are good tv shows (Justified), and there are great tv shows (Lost, GoT, The Wire). But there are also mediocre tv shows disguised as great (Vinyl), and there are good tv shows disguised as bad (Ozarks), but the worst offender has to be a terrible tv show disguised as great. And that, my friend, is where The Frozen Dead lies.
It has all the ingredients of a great tv show: It's French, it looks bleak and terrifying (on purpose), the acting is fantastic (we'll get into this more later), and the story is somewhat refreshing. The reasons it's terrible is because, even with all of this, it's stupidly far-fetched and our main protagonists do nothing, I repeat, NOTHING, to advance the story along. I could have done a better job solving the case from my bedroom than these two detectives. In fact, I did!
The show opens as you would expect a show like this to open, the discovery of a gruesome crime scene. The catch, however, is that it's not a human body displayed in a crazy, angelic way at the top of a ski slope...it's a horse. Well, most of a horse. And so our main Detective (I honestly can't remember his name and I just watched 6 episodes so we'll call him MARTIN?) shows up and he's unhappy. He apparently moved away from this town years earlier but for some reason his old boss wants him on this case. He is, of course, joined by a younger, pretty, female detective (Irene?) and we are off.
Martin says he'll give the case 48 hours but then he's leaving. They eventually find the rest of the horse and discover a human hair. They send the hair off for testing and it comes back positive for one Hannibal Lector (not really but again, I can't remember his name and he's supposed be a Hannibal Lector-type so we'll just stick with that name). But wait, it can't be Lector's hair, he's locked up in the mental hospital under 24 hour guard. Hmmm, Martin does not like this at all.
And while we're on the subject of Martin as a character, like I said, the acting is good. But what separates him from other detectives you might ask? Well, he's not a good detective. In fact, he's pretty terrible. He also smokes and drinks and takes forever to answer his phone which rings NON STOP. Oh, and he gets a bloody nose once in a while, has a daughter we barely see, and had an affair with his best friend's wife. 
Meanwhile, at the mental hospital we are introduced to one of the new psychiatrists on staff, Helen? Helen is tough. We know this because she boxes. And she desperately wants to gain access to the A wing (where they house the dangerous psychos). More on her in a bit.
So Martin reluctantly goes to the mental hospital and meets with Lector. Lector has been expecting him. They behave exactly how you would expect them to. Lector says something with a smirk and Martin flies off the handle and leaves because he can't stand the sight of him. We do learn a few things: Martin and Lector used to be friends and colleagues (Lector was a lawyer?) but then Martin discovered that Lector was killing young girls and eventually caught him and locked him up. And now, Lector is up to something but Martin can't figure out how.
Meanwhile we learn that the partner, Irene, is a lesbian. I don't know why this matters. Well, it kind of comes up later.
Back to the case: So now Martin and Irene are convinced that someone must have killed the horse for Lector and placed his hair at the scene on purpose. I mean, I know I'm making it sound really dumb but at this point I was ALL IN. Note to self: stop giving writers so much credit. Fool me once (killing) shame on me...
And I'm not going to bore you with the details of every episode so I'm just going to break it down.
Lector tells Martin that someone will die soon.
Someone is murdered and castrated.
Martin and Irene are on the case.
We find out that Helen (the new psychiatrist) is really some other girl who changed her name and gained access to the hospital because Lector killed her sister years earlier. They never found the body and she just wants closure. Lector immediately recognizes her but plays along. He eventually tells her where to find her sister and she does. It turns out, the sister was buried and hooked up to an oxygen mask. When Martin caught Lector, Lector gave him a choice: let him free and he'll tell him where the sister was (possibly saving her life), or arrest him and he'll never tell. Martin arrested him.
Anyway, another person is murdered and castrated. Martin and Irene EVENTUALLY figure out that the two men murdered were suspected of molestation and rape of teenagers way back in the day. And the teens that were raped all killed themselves by HANGING. The entire city and police force saw three teenagers hung to death and said, yep, they killed themselves.
We come to find out that Irene (the lesbian) was in love with one of the teenagers (sara?) and always suspected that the reason Sara killed herself was because nobody believed her about the rapes. And she had this information THE ENTIRE TIME but never said anything.
So far these detectives have done ZERO to make progress with the case. You know who makes progress? The wife of the latest victim. She discovers VHS tapes in his office. So now the detectives watch the tapes and try to figure out the identity of the other men because they were part of some weird club where they all tortured and raped teenagers. Oh, and they murdered those teenagers and posed it to look like a suicide. So Martin is finally like, ohhhhh, someone is getting revenge.
At this point I'm still in on the show because I think it's going to wow me and I only have two episodes left. It does not wow me. At. All.
Martin starts to question how Lector managed to get him and Helen both back to this town at the same time. Well, he had help. Remember Helen (the new psychiatrist)? Her boss's name is Elizabeth. Elizabeth and another guy named Eric (?) are the ones killing these men and castrating them. And for some reason they need Lector's help with identifying them all. Dumb, right?
So, let's recap from Lector's point of view.
He gets caught murdering young girls and is sent to a pretty lax insane asylum where he's allowed to do crafts and have visitors anytime. His psychiatrist, Elizabeth, happens to have been molested when she was younger and wants revenge on these creepy old men (one of them is the Mayor, etc). So Lector tells her he will give her the names of the men in exchange for favors.
Favor #1 - locate and hire Helen. Huh? I thought Helen came to the hospital looking for him? Apparently he found her first? Makes no sense.
Favor #2 - pay some creeps to slaughter a horse and put one of his hairs at the crime scene.
Favor #3 - let him use a phone so he can call a judge he once did a favor for and have him make sure that Martin is put on the case.
With me so far? Because this is what happens for real on the show.
Eventually Elizabeth and Eric kill 3 of the 5 men and they want the final name so Lector asks for one more favor.
Favor #4 - kidnap Helen, lock her in some dungeon with an oxygen mask and film it so he can get off on it. And THEY DO IT.
So now Martin finds out that Helen has been taken but Lector will only tell him where she is if he BREAKS HIM OUT OF THE INSANE ASYLUM. He has two hours to decide.
Meanwhile Eric gets killed by the police and Elizabeth must kill the last remaining rapist herself. She goes out to the farm but he was waiting for her and he shoots her dead. Martin arrives on the scene and realizes that the only chance of him saving Helen was Elizabeth but now she's dead.
So Martin basically gives up hope of saving her. 
This was where I was yelling at my laptop "look at her fucking GPS in her car that's parked RIGHT NEXT TO YOU! It will tell you where she was keeping Helen!" But nope. It doesn't even occur to Martin because he's a useless piece of crap.
Instead, he breaks Lector out of the asylum and finds Helen at the last second and saves her but Lector gets away. Presumably leaving open a chance for more of this nonsense. I hate my life.

24: Legacy (3:00 - 6:00pm)

Before we get started (thanks to the “previously on”) I just realized I forgot two crucial events that happened earlier. The first is that while Shifty Eyes was blamed for the leak (that led to the Rangers getting killed) it actually turns out that Rick Simon was behind the whole thing (Headface’s dad). We don’t know why yet but it probably has something to do with helping his son reach the oval office.

The second thing (and now I know why I forgot all about it – it’s RI-DI-CU-LOUS) is that while Dre is, you know, trying to prevent a major terrorist attack, his wife calls him and says something along the lines of “I think there’s something hinky going on here.” Dre does not respond how I expected him to  -- Instead of hanging up on her and rolling his eyes -- he takes her seriously, has CTU hack into the phone records and then takes the time to text his wife a recorded phone call between Foxy Cleopatra and the drug dealer that Stringer Bell went to meet. Stupid, right? But anyway…

Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep. Bee. Bee. Bee. Bee. Be. Be. Be. Be. B. B. B. B…..

Going My Way (1944)

Directed by: Leo McCarey
Written by: Frank Butler and Frank Cavett (story by Leo McCarey)

Man, is this movie a bore.

As you know, I technically consider any Oscar winner "required viewing" (although nothing had moved me to watch this before, so I am a little full of it). This movie was somehow nominated for 10 Academy Awards and won 7, including Best Picture, Best Director, Best Actor, and Best Supporting Actor, and 2 writing awards--one for Best Screenplay and one for Best Story.

Do not be fooled by this; it is inexplicable. It seems there is a consensus that The Greatest Show on Earth is the worst Best Picture winner of all time. Well that is probably true; it is a ridiculous and decidedly *not good* piece of shit. But at least it is entertaining. Going My Way is so saccharine, so lethargic--there is no way to enjoy it (unless you somehow believe Bing Crosby singing in a clerical collar is on par with Jimmy Stewart dressed up as Buttons the Clown).

<spoilerish> At the very end--like, last minute--they pulled a dirty old trick and made me shed an actual tear even though I had been completely disengaged for its over 2-hour (!) run time. Because of that tear, I am not only bored by this movie, I am now mad at it, too.

The "plot" of this film is perfectly suited for List Anything. There is nothing to it but a list of things that happen, most of which result in someone singing for no reason.

Synopsis and spoilers after the jump.

24: Legacy (12:00-3:00)

When 24 first aired back in 2001 it was unlike anything I had ever seen. Sure, there had been some movies done in “real time” (Nick of Time anyone?) and the entire concept was gimmicky (to say the least), but the writing and action were incredibly well done. 

Also, Kiefer Sutherland. 

And, like many cool things, they took out their clubs, went out to the stables and beat the dead horses for, like, eight more seasons. But it still had Kiefer so I kept watching.

Then it ended and I think I speak for everyone when I say, thank God.

A few years later, someone who obviously did not see The Bourne Legacy thought it would be a good idea to reboot the series. Without Kiefer. 

Bad Idea.

Here’s what we know before it even begins. Corey Hawkins (a.k.a. Dr. Dre) plays Eric Carter, an ex Ranger who is going to try to save the world from terrorists and along the way figure out how many bad guys are disguised as good guys. 

And don’t forget…events occur in real time.

Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep. Bee. Bee. Bee. Bee. Be. Be. Be. Be. B.B.B.B.B.B.B….

(explosion sound)

Beware the Slenderman (2016)

DIRECTED BY: Irene Taylor Brodsky

An argument could be made that Beware the Slenderman is an important documentary and absolutely falls under the category of required viewing, especially for parents. I agree with the first part.

For starters, the content is disturbing, and I’m not even talking about the actual crime. The disturbing scenes are the interrogations of the girls and some revelations that I will get into soon. There’s a sadness to this film that hits you in waves.

Any true crime fanatics out there have surely already watched this (I had it marked on my calendar). And while this is a pretty fascinating true crime documentary, it’s also a pretty big comment on today’s society in general. Now, for those normal people out there, you might still be tempted to watch based on the fact that it’s HBO or maybe you saw the trailer and thought it had an interesting premise: in 2014, two 12-year-old girls brought another girl out to the middle of the woods and stabbed her 19 times because a fictional boogeyman called The Slenderman wanted them to. More or less. But as the documentary unfolds we quickly realize that Slenderman actually plays a very minor role in this terrible incident (the victim survived by the way, which helps a little…but not much).

Before I get deeper into the story, one thing I noticed right off the bat is these two girls (Anissa and Morgan) are two loners who found each other and had common interests (mainly surfing the internet and believing in fictional monsters). This is something we’ve seen in countless movies and television shows: a story where kids see something or believe in something that adults just don’t, or won’t, understand -- look at E.T., Super 8, or even more recently, Stranger Things. The difference is, in the fictional world, the kids are always right and end up doing something really brave that saves lives. In the real world, however, people get hurt.

Profile: The Films of Fred Olen Ray

This did NOT start out as a profile of a Director’s entire career. Originally, I started watching a “film” called Sniper: Special Ops. I knew from the title it was unrequired viewing and since I haven’t watched a Steven Seagal movie since Hard to Kill, I figured it was time. Here is an excerpt from that unfinished review…

[In case you are wondering, yes…this IS part of the famous Sniper film series that began with Tom Berenger in 1993. Oh, you weren’t wondering that? You should be. You have been missing out on such films as Sniper: Reloaded, Sniper: Legacy, Sniper: Ghost Shot, and Sniper: Scope and Kill. One of those I just made up.]

After barely making it through the first ten minutes I got distracted by the director’s IMDB page. This man, Fred Olen Ray, has 148 directing credits to his name, I shit you not. Then I started noticing a pattern in his film choices and decided this man deserves to be recognized. Even if he is being recognized for unrequired viewing.

Captain Fantastic (2016)

WRITTEN AND DIRECTED BY: Matt Ross

First of all, let's talk about Matt Ross. I remember the first time I wondered to myself "who is this guy?" and it was when he was Alby on Big Love. Alby is one of those guys that I hate so much but also feel so sorry for and this contradiction is a thing that gets me in to a lot of trouble with acquaintances and such in real life. I want to like these people because I believe they could be good, but really, they just aren't worth spending any time on. Well, what a coincidence that Alby is responsible for Captain Fantastic.

I expected to love this, and I wanted to love it and wanted to believe it was better than it is but it is a piece of shit. I had no intention of writing anything about this movie on this blog when I started watching. But here we are. It is still sort of a must-see for me on account of Viggo's Oscar nomination, but were it not for that fact this is absolutely unrequired viewing. 

The movie opens with a beautiful shot of a lush forest and here I will say the cinematography was nice throughout (except when Alby presumably forced the DP to shoot from odd angles for effect). An almost naked person in full Tarzan mode and covered with camo body paint hides in the woods and slits a deer's neck open with a big knife. (Animals are not faring well in my entries on this blog.) This kid is Bo, the oldest son of Ben aka Captain Fantastic who I will call "Viggo." (At one point in time, say 1996 through 2005, Viggo was in the top three of people in the whole world I wanted to marry but that is no longer the case.) Viggo goes all wilderness cliche and tells Bo that he is no longer a boy but is now the revenant *a man*. Viggo cuts open the dead animal and marks Bo's face with blood and you guessed it feeds Bo the deer's raw bloody heart. 

Other children appear to watch this ceremony.  There are (I am counting in my head right now).....6 children. 2 boys, 2 girls, and 2 indistinguishable (by the end I figured out it was 1 more boy and 1 more girl). Now's a good as time as any to tell you their names but first let me look them up on IMDB.

• Bodevan "Bo" - once a boy, now a man
• Kielyr - girl
• Vespyr - girl
• Rellian - boy
• Zaja - girl
• Nai - boy

I mean, do I even need to continue this?  If so, keep reading after the jump